Bittersweet

On a family vacation when I was barely a teenager, my brother and I were swimming in the Gulf of Mexico. A school of milky jellyfish suddenly starting floating around us like random thought bubbles. My brother kept poking them in the head because he was fascinated with their shape-shifting forms. I, of course, was the one who got stung. The waters off the Texas coast are murky, and you can't see what is about to happen. Life is like that too.

I turn 65 this year, and so thoughts of retirement have been lurking around me like that bobbing school of jellyfish. I've been dog paddling somewhat aimlessly these past few months, just trying to keep my head above water: Could I retire? Should I? Why wouldn't I? and finally life stung me enough that I knew it was time to get out of the water.

If you had asked me last year when I was going to retire, I would have said 'Never!' I planned to die at the podium, giving my students a final lesson on the transitory nature of life and the imperative to live your purpose every day :-)

UNT to UTD

But life has shown me this past year that it is time to take a pause. I have been pushing myself HARD for the past 11 years. First for 4 years while working on my PhD at the University of North Texas (UNT), then the last 7 years teaching full time at the University of Texas at Dallas (UTD). I pushed myself at UNT because I was in my mid-50s when I started my PhD and wanted to get finished asap. I pushed myself at UTD because I always chose to teach new courses which involved a lot of extra work on my part. On top of this I had about a 45 minute commute to/from work. Gradually, the signals of burnout started appearing. Rather than acknowledge the signs, I pushed on more than was necessary, mainly out of habit. Overwork as lifestyle is not something sustainable.

But this was more than ordinary burnout. At the beginning of this academic year, my husband passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. We knew he had health problems, but we thought we had at least 5 more good years. He was spared some difficult treatments ahead. He died a very happy man, full of love for his family, and enthusiasm for life.

My husband was retired but managed the several rental homes we own, our finances, taxes, and general life stuff while I was busy working full time and bringing home a little bacon with a side of health insurance. This academic year I have been doing my job and all of his.

I am broken in every way.

I know the remedy is time and lessening the loads I'm carrying. Hence, retirement thoughts bobbled around me but somehow I didn't get out of the water.

Finally, I made the difficult decision to leave my teaching position at UTD. I've had 7 great years in which I've had the opportunity to grow in Computer Science knowledge, and grow as a teacher and a colleague. I've gotten to know so many amazing students. I am not leaving Computer Science, or probably even teaching. It is simply time for the next journey, even though I can't yet see it yet. The year ahead will be about finding my path in this new uncharted arena.

Wish me luck!